I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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