WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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