Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
zippers are such a cool invention
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
