I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
