Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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