whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
