I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
