i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
