It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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