I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
