I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
