I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
