That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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