woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
