Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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