If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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