do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
