It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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