ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
