I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
