Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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