Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
