how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
