New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
