Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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