I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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