is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
did i just pee glitter
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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