the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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