Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
