im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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