JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
