my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
