dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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