Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
