Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just gargled with NyQuil
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
