watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
