Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
