I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
