just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
