I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Randomize
