Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
