3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
