Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
