Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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