i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
