if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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