You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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