I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
why do cheetos always look like penises
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
