The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
