I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
