I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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