I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
