I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
